Something I learnt since last year is to not have expectations on important things. I know it may sound a bit sad but let me explain the idea. First of all I should say I’m a dreamer (in case you don’t know) and I plan many things I want to do in life. I want to do this and that… I don’t want to miss anything and since I adopted a kind of “carpe diem” philosophy, I always expect to have done so many things at the end of the year. Some I do… some remain at the waiting list. That’s who I am.
When I talk about expectations it’s not about “don’t expect anything from life” but I’d say those deep thoughts you don’t tell anyone, or even that you lie about, but that they’re still there… at some point in your head, you know that will happen, and you create whole conversations in your head (with commas and everything… yes, I’m very imaginative) and you feel like those things are going to happen. The most probable thing is that they won’t happen like that. It’s very likely that you even change your opinion or that, in the end, things turn out being too different. Because we change.
So I decided I was not going to expect anything… or to create that imaginary world where things would end perfectly (yes, probably that is just me…) You make sure you do things, you act consequently… that’s all. End of story. Life will bring what it may bring (and what you may need) So I decided to not make too many plans because they always turn out unexisting.
When I read one of my favorite author‘s (John Fowles) book, The Magus, I ended with a similar feeling. And you know when you read that sentence that you understand so perfectly and even feel you were the only one who understood it because you’ve been through something similar? That was me reading The Magus. It’s not only about expectations, it’s a long novel and sometimes a tough reading, but it is worth it. And because it is tough, the end is so brilliant… and the end is brilliant because it’s tough. The new feelings generated by hours and hours of thinking what you’d feel in that moment. Renewing yourself and being surprised by your final acts. Because…
“An ending is no more than a point in sequence”
And you may find yourself in that situation you dreamed about… and then turn around and leave…. Or answer something different… Then it’s when you’re free.
“You wish to be liked. I wish simply to be. One day you will know what that means, perhaps. And you will smile. Not against me. But with me.”
“It came to me…that I didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world at that moment, that what I was feeling at that moment justified all I had been through, because all I had been through was my being there. I was experiencing…a new self-acceptance, a sense that I had to be this mind and this body, its vices and its virtues, and that I had no other chance or choice.”
One of the reasons why I love Fowles novels is because of his point of view about life and love. Who we are. Who we truly are and how we act according to ourselves. He is brutally honest. I love that.
“The human race is unimportant. It is the self that must not be betrayed.”
“I suppose one could say that Hitler didn’t betray his self.”
“You are right. He did not. But millions of Germans did betray their selves. That was the tragedy. Not that one man had the courage to be evil. But that millions had not the courage to be good.”
He is in my list of people I would visit if I had a time machine, and I’d go to Lyme Regis or to Greece, and sit next him, facing the sea… listening… silence maybe…